What am I doing!?

Today was not good day. 

I am sick. Like I haven't been this sick since I was a kid. 

Neither girl woke up happy. 

We watched a lot, I mean a lot, of tv. I don't feel guilty about this at all. 

The baby didn't nap. 

Mac wanted me to hold her all day. 

By 4:00 I was done. Mac woke up from nap in a worse mood. Cam was screaming as her reflux meds apparently need to be adjusted. Patrick had a meeting until 5:00. My house was a mess. Dinner? Ha!

I turned Tangled on in my room with a drink and pretzels. A huge no no. But I couldn't take it. 

I walked. I bounced. I rocked. I cried. I wiped my nose. Coughed. Sneezed. Couldn't see straight. Begged God to make it all stop. 

Mac has to pee. 

The bathroom has been one of Camryn's favorite rooms in the house. Sure enough. Silence on the bathroom rug. Really!?

So we stayed there. Sitting on the bathroom floor. I finally got some Tylenol for my fever. 

As I sat there I looked at that cheesy grin. The wide eyed petite beauty. 

I'm her mommy. 

I hear 'mommy mommy' from the other room. 

I'm her mommy. 

Yes. I'm sick. I can't breathe let alone think. 

But oh how I love these babies. 

I'm their mommy. 

It's not a job I can call in sick. It's not something I can take a personal day for. They're my babies. They rely on me to get through their day. 

So instead continuing the prayer to make it stop, I sat there and thanked God for them. I asked God to give me the strength and energy to make it until bedtime. 

I missed playing with Mac. I missed happy smiles and chats with Cam. 

All the things that drive me crazy I missed. I missed the wet little underwear. The 'if I have to tell you again you're going to lose it' 'ok. Here mommy' conversations. 

I repeated before bed, as I do a lot, done day I'll miss the floors full of toys. 

Someday they'll be gone. Living in their own houses with their own families. 

My babies don't stop when I'm sick. They keep growing and learning. Changing faster than I can grasp. 

So sitting on the bathroom floor I prayed not for it all to stop but for me to be present in their lives as best as I can be. To be able to live in the moment. To stop my self pity. To stand up and be their mommy. That's who I am. 

I am their mommy. And they need me. Regardless of how I feel. 

Though I am super thankful for the 20 minute nap and dinner made when Patrick got home! ;-)